Infuriating texts
by Callicious
Summary: Posted this on the lj community but since I created this account, might as well post it here too. A little one-shot into the mind of Arizona during 6x09 New History.


From: Callie

To: Arizona

**OMG, just had the worst mental image ever: BAILEY and THE CHIEF**

From: Arizona

To: Callie

_Um, what about them?_

_**Y**_**ou don't wanna know**

_I do now!_

**Trust me, you don't**

_Then why'd you say anything about it at all?? _

**Because I had to say something to someone and my work husband is standing next to me equally horrified**

_Your WHAT?_

**You know…Mark, my work husband. Everyone has one**

…_I don't. Ew. I don't want nor do I need a husband of any kind. I can't believe you do! And MARK?! He's gonna pay for this_

**Haha, he hasn't done anything **

…

**Today. He hasn't done anything today.**

_Whatever. He's in for a world of pain_

///

Arizona sat down with her lunch tray and flipped through her paper, trying not to think about Callie's texts and failing miserably. "Work husband", she grumbled. It's not that she was jealous of Mark. She wasn't. It doesn't matter that he's known Calliope longer than her. And has seen her naked…multiple times. Doesn't matter at all. She doesn't care that he lives across from her. And that he has a nice body…according to the nurses anway. She wrinkled her nose at the thought of Sloan's body. She's also not curious about whatever is going on between Bailey and the chief. Not at all. Arizona Robbins is not a gossip. She's a mature, accomplished surgeon with better things to do than wonder what is going on between her boss and her former protégé. Yep, yep…better things to do. She flipped the page of her paper. Ugh, why couldn't Callie just tell her what's going on. Ah, a Sudoku puzzle. That ought to take her mind off of it. She spent the next several minutes working on the puzzle and sipping her drink. She was nearly finished when she heard someone approaching.

"You don't think it's Bailey?" She looked up to see Mark and Callie sitting down, apparently discussing the big secret she wasn't allowed to be in on. She looked down quickly, intent on ignoring her girlfriend and her stupid best friend. She sipped her drink loudly to emphasize the fact that she was ignoring Callie and would not be kissing her hello. No siree. Callie, of course, was oblivious to all this and continued her conversation with Mark. Arizona sighed at her girlfriend's boneheadedness. She couldn't take it anymore, she had to ask. Arizona looked up from her paper. "What are you guys talking about?" she asked, trying to sound casual.

"Oh you haven't heard, the chief is having an-"

"Mark you are a _terrible_ gossip." Callie interrupted. Arizona bit her lip in annoyance. WHY doesn't Callie want her to know?! Fortunately, Owen and the new cardio attending joined them before she could do something she'd regret. Like, you know…ripping off Mark's testicles and strangling her girlfriend his _work wife _with them. Even scrubbing her hands with the best antiseptic solution would not be enough to wash away Sloan's testicle cooties. She put down her paper and cheerfully said "Have a seat!". Hopefully conversing with the new additions to their table would keep her mind off of Mark's…parts.

"How's your first day going? You ready to go to Baghdad yet?" Mark asked the new doctor. Arizona chuckled. Okay, so he could be funny. Sometimes.

"I'm actually really impressed. The facility, the equipment…the caliber of the residents."

"Have you met Cristina Yang yet?" Arizona asked her. Gun calibers is what'll be on your mind then, Arizona thought. She caught Owen looking at her and sheepishly sucked on her straw, giving him the most innocent "What??" look she could muster.

"Mmm, Cristina Yang may in fact be one the best residents I've ever seen. Arizona raised her eyebrows in surprise. That woman has been in the desert way too long. I guess when you're used dealing with bombs and terrorists, a snotty resident seems pretty meek.

"You think?" Owen asked, slightly surprised himself.

"Yeah, I do." Dr Altman let out a laugh. "I don't think she likes me" she said while shaking her head., "but yeah – " Well, duh. She's Cristina. She doesn't like anyone. Arizona couldn't help but wonder for the hundredth time, why on earth Callie was roommates with her. No, don't think about Callie. You are effectively ignoring her. Focus on the conversation. Even if it is about Yang…Yang beats Mark-parts and annoyingly secretive girlfriends who don't share juicy gossip with their mature, non-gossipy girlfriends.

Of course, Mark with his impeccable timing chose that moment to participate in the conversation. "Ooh, she doesn't like you?" he said while making a 'you're in trouble' face. It looked like he was taking a dump. Ew ew ew. Great, so I went from thinking about Mark's testicles to thinking about him…ew. What is wrong with me today?

"Mark" came Callie's warning voice, effectively taking her mind off of Sloan's bowel movement. Stern Callie is so hot. NO, you're annoyed with her. Focus.

"No, you're probably right. Just because Yang drove off the last three cardio attendings –" Hmm, poopface makes a good point.

"She did _not - " _Owen started defending his girlfriend.

"Burke." Mark challenged him.

"Come on, that was –" Owen fumbled for the right words

"Hahn."

"She had nothing to do with Hahn leaving."

Callie spoke for the first time since the conversation started. "No, that was _me."_ Arizona couldn't help but glance at her and let a little smile grace her lips. From what she'd heard, Erica Hahn was a real bitch. However, Arizona would forever be grateful for the existence of Hahn because thanks to her, Callie discovered Vaginaland! She was even more grateful that she'd decided to buy a one-way ticket to Disappearistan. She couldn't for the life of her understand how somebody could leave Calliope. Even if she was be an infuriating, gossiphog with a reformed manwhore as a workspouse, she's way too hot to abandon.

"Dixon."

"Cristina just needs a strong cardio attending and she deserves a strong cardio attending."

From the look on Teddy Altman's face, Arizona suspected _somebody_ was in _big_ trouble now.

"Cristina? Huh. Wow. So…so you and Yang? What happened to you and Bette?" Bette? Who's this Bette? And why hasn't Callie told her anything about her? She glared at her. Not that she cares about gossip…It's just, you know, good to know…in case…you know, something happened to Owen and this Bette had to be informed and nobody but Arizona was around…

Owen opened his mouth to respond, but Mark eagerly cut in. "Oh, he didn't tell you? Bette showed up at the hospital one day. She didn't even know he was -". Seriously, couldn't that guy ever shut up. Sure, _everybody's_ allowed to know _all_ the gossip except her. Before she could stop herself, her leg shot out and she kicked him. Hard.

"Ow." She sipped her drink loudly, opened her eyes wide and feigned innocence. Apparently, it worked, because Mark slowly turned towards Callie and accusingly asked her "Did you just kick me?"

Hah, fake domestic violence for the fake married couple. Callie looked confused and out of the loop like always. Screw innocence. "That was me." She nodded. Take that, work-husband. Mark glared at her. Callie looked pleased though…and a little turned on. Score! Arizona 1 – Mark 0. She looked at Callie and shrugged, trying to convey that she'd warned her Mark was in for a world of pain.

Meanwhile, Owen was digging a deeper hole for himself while the new cardio attending continued her questioning. Arizona looked from one to the other, while sipping her drink. This is better than cable. She felt a little sorry for the gingerheaded trauma surgeon. The guy comes back from a warzone, only to end up stuck dealing with Yang every day. And now this mess with Altman. She patted his back sympathetically. To be honest, she was just trying to keep her hands busy so they don't wander over to Callie's thighs. Between the drink and Owen, she was doing a pretty good job of ignoring her. Well, except for the smiles and the looks. She's only human.

"That's okay. I'm not mad. I'm just going to enjoy all the ways that you're going to have to make it up to me." Dr Altman said. Nice one. She's so using that line with Callie tonight when she finally catches on the fact that she's being ignored. _If_ she catches on. She reminded herself that it's Callie she's dealing with here. After a few more minutes of eating and lighthearted conversation, Callie and Mark mumbled something about a patient with a pancreatic duct rupture and left. As she watched them leave the cafeteria, she contemplated how Mark's pretty face would look with a wheel shaped imprint on his forehead. She was about to slide after them and find out, when her pager went off. A few seconds later, Dr Altman's pager followed. As they walked towards their patient, they talked about their residency. She discovered they had an old friend in common. She decided she liked this Teddy Altman. She was even willing to look over the fact that she called Cristina Yang the best resident she's seen in years. As she studied the patient's x-rays, Dr Altman examined the little boy and questioned his parents. She waited for Altman to finish and join her and Yang to discuss a treatment plan.

"Book an OR." Dr Altman told Yang.

"What, why?" Yeah, why would the almighty and all-knowing Yang follow orders from an attending with years of experience. Arizona herself didn't know why an OR was needed for asthma, but she was planning on asking Dr Altman politely and respectfully. She was pleased when Altman told off Yang. "When I tell you to book an OR, book an OR!" Arizona smirked and stepped closer to Yang. "I like her." she said gleefully. Yeah, she definitely liked her.

As she was getting ready to scrub in, she felt her phone buzzing. Oh, another text from Callie. Awesome.

**Just got out of surgery, you free for some quality on-call room time? **

The nerve! She spends an hour in the OR with precious Mark and gets out all hot and bothered?? What's that supposed to mean?! Hmpf.

_No, scrubbing in with Teddy. She's nice. I really like her._

Ha. Two can play this game, Calliope Torres.

**Oh, okay. I'll just go take a nap with Mark then**

Oh, she did not just…Arizona huffed loudly and started scrubbing vehemently. _I'll just go take a nap with Mark then_ she mimicked with a scrunched face. She noticed Avery looking at her funnily and glared. She had enough on her plate with one stupid, pretty boy without this guy bothering her.

She walked into the OR, determined to focus on nothing but the little boy whose life they were saving. However, as Dr Altman was the primary attending, she found herself standing aimlessly, irrigating the boy's chest and couldn't keep her mind from wandering to Callie and Mark. _Napping_. In a Seattle Grace hospital on-call room. Hah. She looked up and noticed Altman's scrub cap. Birds…hmm, interesting. "The birds on your scrub cap are cute." She halfheartedly attempted to flirt. It came out sounding strangled and not at all how she intended. Lame, Arizona. Really lame. "Thank you" she politely replied. Focus on work, Arizona. "Is he on full bypass?" she asked the scrub nurse.

"Yes."

She listened to the doctors discussing the boy's condition.

"Dr Robbins, do you mind if Dr Yang first assists?" She looked between the two of them and noticed Yang's surprised and awed expression. Interesting. Maybe Dr Altman would be earning Yang's respect after all.

"Not at all." She said as she stepped back. Her mind wasn't in the game, so it was probably for the best.

As she scrubbed out, she felt slightly guilty of her pathetic attempt at flirting with the cardio-goddess. She decided to get over herself and texted Callie, asking her where she was.

**Lobby. Chief W and Bailey are whispering…Wonder if it's true after all…**

If WHAT is true, Calliope? Seriously? I'm trying here! She growled in frustration. Enough. She couldn't take this anymore. If Calliope wasn't willing to voluntarily give up the information, she would just have to _make_ her.

_Hey, how about that on-call room now…_


End file.
